Archive for June, 2016

Joel shows up at clown’s birthday party

Joel kicked in head by protégé, stumbles to piano and plays ragtime in concussed state

Joel attempts to glean titillating info from muffled 3 minute voicemail accidentally left by friend who pocket-dialed him

Joel cites year lived in Tucson during childhood as grounds for over-the-top southwestern motif in living room

Joel suspects pool has special dye that will turn urine purple, still takes chance

Joel drives hour to Indian grocery store to put faces to the names of the victims of his dimwitted prank calls

Joel thinks he’s better than everyone at de-shelling crab legs

Joel thinks fake candle at restaurant is real, believes friend is impervious to flame

Joel places hand in thumbs-up position on seat next to him before person sits down

Joel pats cheeks with salami slices before pressing face against glass door

Joel accuses niece of being ‘boy crazy’

Joel eats week old pizza, admits it wasn’t even from the most recent delivery

Joel found passed out wearing diapers and a lampshade on his head after making a fool of himself at reggae bashment

Joel writes “Lorem ipsum dolor” using Helvetica font, refers to himself as designer

Joel hides evidence of unused screws and brackets after assembling Ikea shelf

Joel shouts “Put your weight on him!” at backyard brawl

Joel suspects local homeless person is ‘some kind of hoodoo man’

Joel flips out over souvenir baby alligator head

Joel rushes crescendo, blows out his o-ring

Joel breaks into classroom, fist-pounds gingerbread houses into gingerbread dust

Joel gets mangled attempting to run away from alligator in zig-zag pattern

Joel prowls outside of home, isn’t sure what he’s going to do but knows it will be bad

Joel ghost writes scathing Wacko Jacko article for New York Post

Joel unnerved by “No Cornholing” sign in Cincinnati parking garage

Joel inhabits mattress in free pile near college campus, infests taker

Joel searches most of world for Carmen San Diego, doesn’t think to check San Diego

Joel concusses cartoon accomplice with frying pan

Joel nibbles macaroons like rodent in corner of cookie warehouse

Joel confuses Desmond Tutu with Pol Pot

Joel puts on American flag bandana to warn cars he’ll break windows

Joel overloads at nacho bar seeking payback

Joel misses deep fryer with turd toss, plots next attempt

Joel pretends to be Twin Peaks fan after barely making it through first episode

Joel breathes onto litmus strip, scores off-the-charts on fecal scale

Joel carves ‘bear’ statue out of redwood, forms burly hirsute image of self

Joel mistakingly thinks end to his depravity is near

Joel irrationally labels friend’s workplace “asshole asylum” before getting facts

Joel misplaces porno mag, makes bad noise at ice fishing hut

Joel leaves camp looking for an animal to harrass, returns to tent on fire

Joel blows conch, assembles group of one

Joel calls police on neighborhood kids getting respite from heat at fire hydrant

Joel ‘feels alive’ after spitting in salad bar

Joel studies forensics show, gets busted by dumb idiot

Joel whips trick in Memphis recording studio

Joel screams to the sky, continues conflict into bowels of public transportation

Joel only lives to get radical, antagonizes War Child

Joel hyperventilates into lunch bag, looks up and smiles at bus driver like demon

Joel slashes face in Jimmy Cliff docudrama

Joel avoids eye contact with mother

Joel sabotages dehumidifier in Connecticut basement

Joel summons marshmallow villain through inability to clear thoughts

Joel cooks horse

Joel yells ‘posers!’ at high school skater hangout

Joel asks ‘Who am I but just de gal dem sugar?’ in offensive Caribbean accent

Joel eats heavy meal before going to restaurant, claims to be on diet and orders salad

Joel wonders if dragons are real

Joel goes home, then goes big

Joel brings resume to Ocean State Job Lot

Joel visits Cromagnon wing of Natural History Museum, sees self

Joel steps on lily pad, plunges

Joel embarrassingly wrong on jelly bean count estimate

Joel plays Road Hog with schoolbus, stymies field trip

Joel faints after pointing high-powered perception at self

Joel goes on and on about Mars likes he’s actually been there

Joel insists that pizza is in fact delivery, not DiGiorno’s

Joel only confronts white females in arguments, says ‘anyone else is too risky’

Joel attempts Trick or Treating in middle of August

Joel readies snake-in-can at Gene Wilder book signing

Joel helps old lady cross the street, then does something awful to someone else in order to ‘balance the universe’

Joel posts “Do Not Touch” signs throughout house in advance of AirBnB guest

Joel stands talking in friend’s living room for 21 hours straight

Joel watches Dean Martin Celebrity Roast DVD infomercial like it’s the actual show

Joel takes forever parking stupid car while tension builds inside diner

Joel attempts to smooth things over with wine-stained cash

Joel registers “Stankbot” at MIT competition

Joel sprints from medical facility after prostate exam shows suspiciously healthy results

Joel uses Nicorette patches to start smoking

Joel demands unreasonable amount of personal data in exchange for download of stale industry Whitepaper

Joel signs up as Uber driver, refuses all fares

Joel caught deliberately leaving baggage unattended at airport

Joel visited by three ghosts on insignificant Summer night

Joel embellishes traffic conditions to blind passenger

Joel hurls ‘corny’ insults at rapper E-40 and Bay Area hip hop scene, gets meat lumped at Oakland venue

Joel caught on nanny cam licking tv remote controller

Joel uses roomate’s expensive kitchen knife to open mail despite being repeatedly told not to because it dulls the blade

Joel sends NSFW attachment to friend without disclaimer

Joel carbo-loads night before nothing in particular

Joel flips directional arrow at fork in road on dangerous wildlife preserve

Joel brings toxic attitude to Scrum team

Joel insists ‘bad boy’ persona warranted, directs reporter to

Joel shadowboxes in front of screen at movie theater to chorus of boos

Joel snarls at elderly couple at grocery store, holds zuchini and two plums in suggestive position

Joel offends humanity with Freudian slip

Joel crashes party, apologizes, does it again

Joel starts twitter beef out of boredom

Joel stares into microwave impatiently

Joel turns playpen into pigsty

Joel combs his hair in a pompadour, like no romeos ever wore

Joel challenges Jordan to game of ‘horse,’ later seen exiting stable disheveled

Joel bonks momo with electrified tennis racket

Joel knows how to buckle seat belt only because of flight attendant’s instructions

Joel orders large group to one side of pontoon boat

Joel sprays skunk

Joel wiggles tongue during CPR training

Joel wanders off trail, hikers rejoice

Joel whispers gibberish at child to derail learning

Joel blames animals for stench at zoo, walks gingerly toward restroom

Joel dares fast food employee to call police

Joel prepares rotten dozen in advance of Easter Egg Hunt

Joel sickens dinner guests with wifi password