Archive for February, 2017

Joel begins referring to just about everybody as “Money Grip”

Joel bursts blood vessel in forehead benching what he refers to as a “fuck-ton” of weight

Joel kisses mother with that mouth

Joel pressured into joining neighborhood gang

Joel spent months sharpening fingernails into points before attack

Joel has frantic conversation with 911 operator after eighth cup of coffee

Joel emotionally buys penny stock, loses big

Joel asked if he’s alright after soaking wet handshake

Joel suspects in some vague way there’s money in computers

Joel uses Google Maps Street View to solve local mystery

Joel blacks out, plays perfect game of Castlevania

Joel sees the phrase “GET OUT” formed from Spaghetti O’s while eating in haunted house

Joel falls to pieces over moved cheese

Joel eats dog’s homework

Joel acts unreasonably hostile on his way out of yoga studio

Joel updates title to Data Scientist after logging into Google Analytics and spending a few moments looking at some charts

Joel squats over pothole, gets caught in headlights

Joel unimpressed by CT Middle School fashions after moving from affluent Dallas suburb

Joel considers himself hot shit after ordering burrito in Spanish

Joel brutalizes beginner chess opponent by invoking en passant pawn capture

Joel dismisses Ted Talk as “a lot of kumbaya”

Joel feels around for penis in moment of numb panic

Joel names son LaPhonso

Joel pretends to know what rack and pinion steering is

Joel wakes up in body cast at hospital after highway texting

Joel cons a string of elderly women in Sarasota and Boca Raton

Joel found bound and gagged in elaborate self kidnapping

Joel rips microwave handle clean off in rush to get at hot pizza

Joel learns to say “log” after years of captivity