Archive for April, 2017

Joel chased by six white horses

Joel houses, feeds troubled teen runaway

Joel mistaken for rare sea monster

Joel prepares for Indian delivery by putting on diaper

Joel deputized by Honolulu Sherrif’s Department for role in ladyboy sex sting

Joel pinned by dimwitted giant in eighties grudge match

Joel refers to his testes as “low-hanging fruit”

Joel goes to doctor for mystery ailment, gets prescribed a slap across the face

Joel calls child plaintiffs in MJ abuse scandal “a bunch of [expletive] ingrates”

Joel posts bullshit cooking video

Joel informs friend that 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday

Joel chooses food when forced to choose between that or his wife

Joel says “nice try” to Aborigine moments before being struck in the back of the head by boomerang

Joel buys license for obsolete graphics program that only swirls faces

Joel asks old acquaintance to enter her phone number in his phone, later reaches a land line at home for invalids

Joel hotboxes vintage VW Bus with heavyset actor from Lost

Joel disguises self as woman, enters Roller Derby using pseudonym Jawanna Roel

Joel introduces immigrant neighbors at dinner party, emphasizes idea that they come from a “third world” country

Joel writes “boy problems” on insurance form as reason for concert cancellation

Joel desperately prays to Madre de Dios with elderly Mexican woman after smoking laced pot

Joel hired by TSA to sniff passengers’ luggage

Joel substitute teaches for a day, gets hospitalized for a year

Joel presides as de facto leader on island of monsters

Joel makes ludicrous, historically inaccurate statements about King Tut to entertain guests at dinner party

Joel secretly feeds block of cheese to neighbor’s dog

Joel opens mysterious trunk, gets lunged at by ventriloquist dummy

Joel gets spooked, starts stampede

Joel clears his schedule to swallow pills with grandson of pencil tycoon

Joel installs stink-activated strobe light in bathroom

Joel test drives Cadillac into lake

Joel wrestles with literal demons in ghoulish free-for-all

Joel slapped by midget on stool

Joel drags, then pushes body into canyon

Joel looks up and says “My God” after seeing devil-horned version of himself in mirror

Joel puts 0.0 bumper sticker on his car in response to 26.2 marathon version

Joel nervously leaves plate of raw chicken on his back porch nightly for what he refers to as “the monkey man”

Joel lures prostitites into carriage with rare cherries

Joel swipes cyborg arm from high tech factory

Joel leaves a trail of breadcrumbs only to get followed by birds, lost

Joel submits discovery of new periodic element with suggested name “Joelium”

Joel asks his auto mechanic about the possibility of an ejector seat

Joel heard screaming outside office park bathroom

Joel doesn’t scroll

Joel rationalizes burglary he committed of his own memorabilia

Joel interviews for dream job, asks mostly about time off policy and grievance processes

Joel smiles to reveal glistening set of fangs

Joel hides in display tent at department store until after it’s closed

Joel marks possessions with urine

Joel argues he can’t be called butterfingers because he’s all thumbs

Joel nearly chokes after ordering large pie with extra cheese

Joel jumps on the back of girl on crutches

Joel avoids leper

Joel chooses modest wooden cup from aged knight

Joel reveals his age by referring to rap group “Play and Kid”

Joel admits he wasn’t ready to care for Mogwai

Joel raised in black and white

Joel steps on crack, mother’s health improves

Joel’s internet history reveals a keen interest in clown-play

Joel tricks Indian waiter into saying “cherry pie”

Joel eats stone

Joel sleeps in cave

Joel impersonates surgeon

Joel meticulously puts bloody fingerprint on J, O, E, and L keys on display MacBooks at Apple Store

Joel embarks on ominous secret project codenamed Operation Lazarus

Joel bites child

Joel levels half of Tokyo wrestling with giant lizard

Joel gets launched off of toilet and soaked in “foul smelling goo” as thrill-seeking youths blow up plumbing under street

Joel screams at mother in response to stolen credit card accusation

Joel goes on lengthy tirade listing every race he hates starting with his own

Joel uses chopsticks as walrus tusks, chases waitress around aquarium.

Joel blindsided by haymaker

Joel intercepts poisoned date

Joel hears second face on the back of his head suggesting heinous acts

Joel playfully invites female colleague to lunch at Tavern In The Square, referencing it by its unfortunate acronym

Joel adopts Steampunk culture for one regrettable summer

Joel tells acquaintance that he works on Wall Street selling “derrigaboos”

Joel answers telephone by asking, “Uncle…?”

Joel turned away from blood bank after attempting to make withdrawal

Joel opens email attachment labeled “virus.exe” from unknown sender

Joel seen leaving hurriedly from office park moments before canned food drive donations reported missing

Joel lured by scent of pie cooling on windowsill, knocked unconscious with rolling pin

Joel stares into nozzle of gas pump to investigate why nothing’s coming out

Joel visited by talking wolf during food poisoning halucination

Joel grounded at airport following food court melee

Joel sits paralyzed on toilet of Durango bar believing TV audio is live robbery

Joel claims to have seen a Terminator after nibbling on the corner of a pot brownie

Joel uses pseudonym Crab Rang to convey that he’s a goon

Joel makes lude boob squeezing motion while telling reporter he’s rooting for Gonzaga

Joel tells Janis Joplin to ‘give it a rest’