Archive for May, 2017

Joel buries bone for later

Joel blows talcum powder into bus driver’s face

Joel heard shouting “if you bring her in here I’m gonna kill her” in regard to brother’s wife

Joel gets rich off pot stocks, smokes away profits

Joel collapses in Popeye’s

Joel barely escapes with his life after challenging modern street gang to dance-fight

Joel blows out left knee sprinting after ice cream truck

Joel shatters priceless china after continued promise of magic tablecloth trick

Joel returns home early, intrudes on heated game of dog poker

Joel answers door to discover baby with mild resemblance

Joel asks “tell me who… and show me WHERE” to abuse victim

Joel chases swan

Joel cautiously approaches girl’s volleyball team with Federal Boob Inspector card on display

Joel considers opening a Go & Sell across the street from a Stop & Shop

Joel calls bank and issues stop payment on check to babysitter moments after thanking her and dropping her off

Joel envies pet hamster

Joel works his way down the ladder from office mailroom to janitor

Joel gets destroyed off peach wine coolers in parking lot of High School reunion

Joel has stroke while driving

Joel cites long, erroneous list of ailments curable by marijuana after listening to Peter Tosh record

Joel makes up bullshit story about a paralyzed uncle

Joel thinks legendary general’s name was “Custard”

Joel told he’s comprised of the leftover garbage unused by his estranged superior twin

Joel has strange recurring nightmare about Rescue Rangers character Monterey Jack

Joel assumes Beanie Sigel is some type of bird

Joel bumps head trying to chase mouse through small hole in wall

Joel too lazy to pick up welfare check

Joel marks perimeter of home with pungent urine to ward off other would-be Joels

Joel adopts the lean startup principle “fail fast” but never learns from his failures

Joel calmly observes the joys and heartaches of alien civilization through high powered telescope

Joel crouches in silence on toilet seat in bathroom stall as armed lunatic passes by

Joel cites heavy traffic as excuse for being late to work from home

Joel buys happiness

Joel dispels “What happens in Vegas…” adage by returning with leprosy

Joel demands squid ink printer cartridge at Office Depot

Joel sniffs twice, spits once

Joel complains that incidents of kidnapping and housefires seem to have dwindled

Joel rots throughout humid summer in Tampa, Florida

Joel depicted as monster by mall kiosk caricature artist

Joel whispers his name to himself every 30 seconds during transcontinental flight

Joel shrieks, “I can’t swim, ok! Are you happy now?!” to group of teenagers at beach

Joel fails to penetrate moated castle during Medieval campaign

Joel described as “fiendish” by hotel lobby staff

Joel prepares for slasher sale with vodka breakfast

Joel injured in sorority ladder peeping incident

Joel embarks on comedy tour entitled, “Pause for Laughter”

Joel snickers childishly when trail guide spots Woodcock