Archive for June, 2017

Joel gets clock cleaned by cukoo bird while cleaning clock

Joel tells school faculty he’s picking up child as a favor to busy parents, panics at mention of password

Joel warns house guest not to go through his shit

Joel has fake little league t-shirts printed to make it easier to sell stolen candy

Joel goes to lobster bake, gets more food on him than in him

Joel says “I have ten years” in Latin American accent

Joel threatens juror

Joel unable to walk straight after stranger blows mysterious pollen in his face

Joel sends grandmother vicious political flash animation as birthday card

Joel gets stink-riddled by fart machine gun

Joel buys mop made of human hair

Joel wears tank top, exposes handprint bruises

Joel found pacing down hotel hallway wearing curtains as robe talking out some kind of internal conflict

Joel tricked into buying bogus rare coin at flea market by woman in tie-dyed pajamas

Joel forms on again off again friendship with stray cat

Joel hit by breakaway jetski

Joel pouts in corner, repeating “you’re too good for this world” at a low whimper

Joel installs step counting app to reinforce sedentary lifestyle

Joel defends elderly woman from purse snatcher, then asks to keep purse

Joel takes both pills described in song White Rabbit at once, stays about the same size

Joel hatches poorly conceived charity event entitled Bowl with Joel

Joel blasts steam from both ears after trying ghost pepper

Joel goes blind for 24 hours after drinking from public pool

Joel and friend scam parents, eat two dinners in one night

Joel frantically operates backhoe at highway construction site with multiple people waving and yelling at him

Joel realizes he’s dead

Joel misrepresents his feeling on issue by stating “I could care less”

Joel angrily refuses floral lay necklace upon arrival in Hawaii

Joel overheard arguing in Haitian creole on cellphone with only English words being “I’ll fuck you!”

Joel witnessed removing neck brace and moving about naturally by insurance fraud investigator

Joel passes out trying to hold breath as long as David Blaine

Joel grossly exaggerates flora and fauna in real estate listing

Joel found dangling in closet wearing coat still on hanger

Joel provides commuter train passengers with a common enemy

Joel brutalized by golf ball sized hail

Joel implicated once his greasy likeness takes shape on shattered glass door pieced together by forensic specialist

Joel makes guess about animal tracks on hiking trail, is wrong about height, weight, gender and species

Joel runs toward and attempts to jump over horse

Joel left home alone by parents, invites poltergeist inside TV

Joel buys SNICKERS bar with label in proper case instead of all caps, goes into coma

Joel suspects a close friend or relative is trying to poison him

Joel trapped on couch, fearing carpet is hot lava

Joel holds up gun store with gun he bought just moments before

Joel tries to trick mailman into coming inside

Joel has strange burping fit when pressed about recent murders

Joel insists on smoking during flight

Joel smoothly slips several pennies in the trash

Joel asks Chipotle manager if he can spend the night there

Joel goes quiet and takes his pulse in the middle of conversation

Joel wishes himself Merry Christmas, opens microwave dinner

Joel likens his relationship with his cable provider to spousal rape

Joel told he’s in over his head by concerned Sidney Pollack

Joel blames destruction of neighbor’s garden on deer

Joel wanders into lamaze class

Joel stuffs pockets of cargo pants with smaller sized cargo pants

Joel sold to highest bidder at auction of Sultan perverts

Joel thrown from speeding car

Joel makes sound of tea kettle whistle until getting pounded with mallet on top of head

Joel primarily uses search engine that is not Google

Joel reaches toward sting on back of neck, discovers poison-tipped dart

Joel spins yarn about spectral locomotive

Joel knocks on neighbor’s door to ask if they have any hotdogs

Joel peers in on family eating dinner

Joel nearly drowns trying to get a closer look at the handsome man in the lake

Joel discovered frozen stiff in restaurant freezer wearing prehistoric garb

Joel sponsors young Parisian ballet dancer in possessive predatory relationship

Joel panics and runs when asked to demonstrate his knowledge of maritime knots

Joel busted for running illegal dog hotel

Joel likens physical prowess to that of a stone gibbon

Joel critically injured attempting to ride horse wearing carved pumpkin over his head

Joel’s continued confusion between Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman makes him wish they were both dead

Joel’s colleague notices that his planner consists only of the word “JOEL” in small print filling each page

Joel places cutout letters of name on forehead before entering tanning salon

Joel pockets wedding ring upon arrival at sleazy hotel bar

Joel only able to focus on yesterday and tomorrow

Joel cites stepping away from active banking session to support claim of dangerous lifestyle

Joel makes exhaustive list of which animal each of his friends resembles

Joel sometimes wonders about Wonder Woman

Joel nabbed for prowling outside Liberace estate

Joel shatters most of skeleton in hang gliding attempt

Joel faints on first day of work as air traffic controller

Joel sentenced to one year aboard decommissioned submarine after series of harmless misdemeanors

Joel suggests five minute “bio break” during meeting after clearly pissing his pants

Joel lead through enchanted forest by translucent fox

Joel wounded attempting to flee bank robbery hostage scenario

Joel fit for custom perm wig

Joel leaves real name and phone number on restroom wall flirtation

Joel run off chicken farm by hound

Joel caught on surveillance camera licking produce and putting it back

Joel amazed that horse was in fact two men in costume

Joel commits corporate espionage on behalf of Cogswell Cogs

Joel waits it out scrunched in gym locker

Joel feebly swings bat at possessed husband

Joel buys bag of magic beans from drunken wizard

Joel uncovers greedy truth behind haunted amusement park

Joel scrubs Gorbachev’s forehead

Joel suspects tampered drink, wakes up in Papa New Guinea

Joel undergoes procedure to become an albino

Joel snickers at anthropologist’s use of the term “homo erectus”

Joel entertains murderous suggestions from neighbor’s dog

Joel hides key to dead girl’s diary in hollowed out coconut

Joel deters predators by puffing up to twice his size and revealing quills