Archive for July, 2017

Joel stumbles home drunk, collapses on daughter’s dollhouse

Joel nervously shields Starbucks coffee cup on opposite side of his body while passing local cafe

Joel serves beer to lifesized cardboard cutout of George Wendt

Joel confuses athlete Usain Bolt with Saddam Hussein during 2020 Summer Olympic guest spot

Joel breaks hand punching iron chef

Joel tells group of youths that condoms “just get in the way”

Joel ‘speaks now’, ruins wedding

Joel finds his car flattened under the weight of enormous nude dead woman

Joel hops on one foot reaching for pistol in his boot yelling “Hold on a minute, asshole” to fleeing crook

Joel throws deck chair off of cruise ship at night

Joel cathartically kisses the ground after short, smooth, incident-free flight on commercial airline

Joel sneaks mechanical bull into Amish community

Joel knocked out by well-timed sandbag drop

Joel discovers rocks in drawers of desk he was asked to carry up stairs

Joel’s children overhear him casually tell new acquaintance he doesn’t have any children

Joel becomes the first person to sue a non-human

Joel scowls and says “I don’t want your money” while angrily stuffing the money in his shirt pocket

Joel trips over painted line

Joel represents himself in court, keeps running back and forth when taking the stand

Joel waits till last minute, misses deadline

Joel launches Hyannis tech meetup called Cape Code but no one attends

Joel comforted by Ptolemaic model of solar system

Joel sings the hook from “How Do You Want It” to stranger on bus

Joel marries Uzbek

Joel bends down to help pick up woman’s groceries but then growls at her instead

Joel’s fall softened by rotten Chinese food in dumpster

Joel nods to his status as high-ranking corporate officer by referring to himself as “a major pervert”

Joel tells shocked tourists, “There’s wisdom in crowds” during brutal public stoning

Joel reaches hand above water, signals 1-2-3 with fingers, then waves bye-bye and sinks to the bottom

Joel found beet red and asleep on alter-like boulder mile down the shore from resort hotel

Joel passes out cold on log flume ride

Joel spotted clinging to building facade standing on narrow ledge

Joel’s feminine side prevents him from buying Just for Men product

Joel grabs frail Ikea associate by the wrist and desperately asks to be led to the exit

Joel boasts about driving to the top of Mt. Washington

Joel terrorizes student driver on open road

Joel’s recent behavior explained by being 6 months overdue for Bordetella vaccine

Joel abruptly told by psychic “I’m sorry, I can’t help you, I’m closed” in the middle of sidewalk palm reading

Joel reaches frantically for glove box when asked for license and registration

Joel stands behind half-baked pseudo-science to push dangerous diet plan

Joel reveals that his favorite movie star is Vin Basil

Joel grasps bridezilla niece by both shoulders and continues to reaffirm “This is YOUR day”

Joel subjected to elaborate prank after taking penis enlargement pills, wakes up in model house with everything 20% smaller in scale

Joel dangerously overserves booze to dwarf friend at housewarming party, is reassured when the little man rapidly repeats “I’m alright, I’m alright”

Joel stops to smell roses, gets bee sting on nose

Joel survives elevator crash by jumping at the moment of impact

Joel quickly fired as police sketch artist for repeatedly drawing The Hamburglar

Joel pulls apartment window curtains closed, finally free of the male gaze

Joel posts to online diary while sledding, calls it Toblogganing

Joel asks car salesman if they have the Dodge Horny

Joel sees in infrared spectrum during tantrum in line to meet mall Santa Claus

Joel slides crude advance scrawled on deposit slip toward rookie bank teller

Joel thinks The Who singer has real stutter while listening to My Generation

Joel appears on 911 caller ID, operator answers by barking “What now?!”

Joel shows off variety of priceless face gestures while hosting The Price is Right

Joel says “why you slippery little shit” to elderly woman who unknowingly took his parking spot

Joel fails dogcatcher final exam

Joel slapped with contempt of court just for showing up

Joel keeps pestereing his mother to watch him dive, but sees her turn away at last second

Joel acts homophobic when offered Mount Gay rum

Joel figures prison is his best option

Joel makes quick fifty bucks from Pentecostal minister by jumping out of wheelchair

Joel thrown from rollercoaster

Joel gets read the riot act by eccentric chocolate factory owner

Joel informed by mechanic of poorly wired car bomb attached to engine block

Joel asks if he can contest parking ticket at Night Court

Joel flexes and sucks in stomach on scale at doctor’s office

Joel stymied by chastity belt during medieval time travel

Joel asks extensive questions about restaurant’s wine list, ends up ordering Bud Light

Joel asked “Did you really think you’d get away with this?!” while being fired from Gap Kids for stealing

Joel invents board game in which the only way to win is to not play

Joel calls 911 during hike, suspects he’s being hunted

Joel’s warnings about southern politician being “slick seducer” fall on deaf ears

Joel brings dress, wig and makeup aboard cruise ship in the event of evacuation

Joel finds gate to Hell after eating expired ham

Joel reported to police after asking one too many questions at hot air balloon airfield

Joel finds “Joel’s mom smokes pot” note taped to his front door

Joel carefully and emphatically points out which tea is yours and which is his

Joel prefers brunettes

Joel busted for minor role in ivory trade

Joel disappoints local community with well hoax

Joel finds remnants of Leprechaun between walls in his house

Joel dangles bucket on rope from third floor for delivery driver

Joel’s mind goes blank after he boots up his ThinkPad

Joel clings to life while pinned between two cars

Joel regrets decision to take part in charity kangaroo boxing match

Joel invited to dinner at Haitian neighbors’ house who forget to put Voodoo doll of him away

Joel stays cross eyed after perfectly timed karate chop to forehead

Joel approaches broken down car to have Spanish lady yell “no thank you” behind closed window while waving him away

Joel calls 911 when stoned viewing of Charlie Kaufman film goes sideways on him

Joel sends agent’s best friend to kill him

Joel disappointed by fabled King Solomon comprimise

Joel develops nasty new snack flavor he calls “Cool Raunch”

Joel returns from restroom to find all of his fellow cult members dead

Joel nips at waitress’ fingers when she tries to take plate away

Joel goes completely incognito after parting his hair to the opposite side

Joel tries to pay for groceries with sack of rubies

Joel shouts “get out of my head!” upon realizing that support person knows he’s lying

Joel tries to convince babysitter that he’s allowed to stay up past ten

Joel grips string of lanterns with hands and clings to balcony railing with toes for dear life stretched out above raucous street festival

Joel falls out of window after struggling to carry bride over threshold

Joel approaches competing business at tradeshow and whispers “I’m gonna eat your lunch”