Archive for September, 2017

Joel threatens to “tame American dotard with fire”

Joel caught mocking Robert Kennedy Jr’s voice, ignorant of spasmodic dysphonia condition

Joel hides out in grocery store after closing and binge eats yesterday’s bake

Joel subdued and placed in captivity after reported loping down roadside

Joel sits on egg for month

Joel afraid of coffee grinder, claiming it sounds too much like T. Rex

Joel warned by refrigerator someone might be in the house

Joel caught by security camera stealing baby Jesus from manger

Joel burns toast, house

Joel featured on reality show “Johns Who Kill”

Joel tries to cover up scratch to father’s car leading to a hilarious string of more complicated problems

Joel tries to hydrate bacon bits during last minute breakfast disaster while hosting royal family

Joel diagnosed with restless arm syndrome

Joel helplessly watches cat fight off dagger wielding troll

Joel caught attempting to inhale life out of sleeping infant

Joel relentlessly harrassed by perverted Gremlin

Joel switches things up by bringing teacher an orange

Joel lives forever and pays no taxes

Joel forgets keys at mindfulness seminar

Joel tries to go shopping at Target but keeps missing it

Joel suggests graveyard as ideal location for first date

Joel nearly kills family flying off highway into rest stop

Joel snarls and gets singed from holy water spray

Joel asks friend’s grandfather if he was the carpenter that made Pinocchio

Joel insists on wearing British helmet hat during Safari tour

Joel hears violent armed robbery while receiving acupuncture treatment

Joel lends money to the Wildman of Borneo

Joel eats twin

Joel works double shift on Labor Day

Joel menaced on Straight of Gibraltar by Barbary apes

Joel poked and prodded through gaps of bamboo cage

Joel angrily eats parking ticket

Joel entertains procedure to replace his lower half with that of a horse

Joel takes on Foghorn Leghorn persona for 48 hours after drinking bathtub moonshine

Joel looks at seat assignment on boarding pass for 15th time just to be sure before taking seat

Joel hospitalized after compulsively licking hand

Joel challenges strangers to game of pocket pool

Joel gets lockjaw going for record of most stacked Oreos

Joel scares off lions from wildebeest score

Joel tells a few people he’s dying

Joel dives onto hood of car in church parking lot

Joel continues to knock on locked restroom door while voice from inside screams “occupied”

Joel gets into fist fight with personified manifestation of the human papaloma virus

Joel mistakenly assumes statute of limitations for murder

Joel hunted after airing prime time special demystifying popular magic tricks

Joel admits three clumsy kids standing on each other’s shoulders in trenchcoat to R Rated movie

Joel puts most expensive hotdog buns in friend’s shopping cart

Joel tumbles down escalator after looking back to scowl at cashier who wouldn’t accept expired coupon

Joel continues to fear the reaper despite reassuring song

Joel breaks hand attempting to karate chop through block of ice

Joel cheated by Pygmy

Joel suggests Happy Beginning at seedy massage parlor

Joel storms cockpit on turbulent flight

Joel’s skull fascinates criminologist

Joel shown on traffic cam laughing wildly while running intersection

Joel harbors rapey French skunk

Joel researches his family tree and discovers a coat of arms showing a bear eating a pig

Joel gears up for impending divorce by purchasing copy of Eat Pray Love

Joel pesters plaintiff on courthouse steps for his reaction to verdict while clearly not associated with the press

Joel badgers hermit

Joel seen frantically running down shoulder of highway in tie dyed t-shirt

Joel keeps assuring babysitter that the kid will be there soon and he’ll be leaving shortly after

Joel hosts party with imaginary guests but real caterers

Joel runs through plate glass window chasing laser pointer dot

Joel becomes world’s dumbest owner of smartest dog breed

Joel smothers aunt

Joel climbs out of landfill covered in trash, vows revenge

Joel pays small fortune for pornographic pinball machine

Joel less affected by gravity due to hollow bones

Joel yells “shoot her!” while genetically modified lizard devours zookeeper

Joel told to stay out of station after numerous attempts to infiltrate fireman culture

Joel remains remarkably calm in panic room

Joel discovered tan and bearded at sea, floating on whale corpse

Joel digs hole to China

Joel declares dependence

Joel sees something, says nothing

Joel prematurely turns into full-blown wolfman during waxing gibbous

Joel becomes overnight millionaire after launching site to sell his handmade gewgaws, serves as powerful anecdotal fodder for those interested in capitalizing on the world wide web and in need of help doing so