Archive for October, 2017

Joel forms unhealthy obsession with bodybuilder Alex Fedorov

Joel asks dinner host, “Pour me a glass of Bitch?” in the voice of Paul Lynde as Templeton the Rat

Joel does nefarious earthly bidding of high ranking evil spirit in exchange for personal sex ghoul

Joel hides in plain sight

Joel brings picture of red squirrel to hairdresser and says “Make me look like this”

Joel works graveyard shift at graveyard

Joel publicly assaulted on Hollywood Walk of Fame by keyed up Mickey Rourke

Joel sniffs and spins around furiously in pile of leaves looking for the ideal spot to relieve himself

Joel able to interpret gibberish of screaming train conductor

Joel returns from supermarket to find car booted with note on windshield that says “You filthy little pig”

Joel piles dirty undies in corner of room and refers to it as Skid Row

Joel thumped square on top of head by foul ball at baseball stadium

Joel writes his name backwards in red lipstick on door in front of mirror during nightmarish hissyfit

Joel uses traditional Western European knowledge and scientific method as cold blanket of superiority during equatorial visit

Joel wears “cat’s eyes” contact lenses and movie quality vampire fangs for driver’s license photo

Joel plans failed erotic picnic in French countryside

Joel sells popsicle to Eskimo

Joel earnestly uses the word “trousers”

Joel assumes most zookeepers are vegetarian but then sees one eating a smoked chimp’s hand

Joel organizes North Shore monster truck rally called “Smashachusetts”

Joel fakes orgasm

Joel develops concept for frigid new fitness regiment called Frozen Yoga

Joel characterized as “demon investor” by frazzled CEO

Joel folded in half by hospital bed after toying with controls

Joel flaps arms quickly like wings while falling off roof

Joel gets all righteous with kid about Frankenstein being the creator’s name and not the monster’s

Joel installs satellite dish in back yard attempting to summon sex alien

Joel says “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, don’t play a song for me” to co-worker tapping on desk

Joel steals “Shoplifters will be Prosecuted” sign

Joel winds up in bushes after making unwelcomed pass at female bodybuilder

Joel mysteriously appears as fifth face on Mount Rushmore for one afternoon

Joel groped by horny realtor

Joel toys with woman’s emotions, taking her to fancy restaurant and bending down on one knee to tie shoelace

Joel clings to ladder falling over backward during sorority peeping tom stunt

Joel opens low-class, conservative bar dubbed “The Trump Dump”

Joel revealed as voice actor of Speedy Gonzales

Joel abandons boat and flees state after things heat up over parasailing disaster

Joel invests haphazardly in Mongol eagle preserve

Joel signs over wife and investment accounts to Bahamian womanizer

Joel notices pattern in Armenian surnames

Joel feeds a man a fish, makes him sick for a lifetime

Joel uses overgrown fingernail to carve name into church pew

Joel swings pocketbook recklessly while trying to move his braids off his face behind his ear

Joel shoved by one-arm man

Joel discovers corpse in restroom stall

Joel’s rain soaked face appears in child’s bedroom window during bursts of lightning

Joel approaches carcass with intent to scavenge

Joel obsessively keeps patrons’ water glasses full at Thai restaurant

Joel cries over milk still in glass

Joel immediately forgets everyone who aided his mayoral campaign moments after winning

Joel found guilty in kangaroo court

Joel seen power walking with group of older women gossiping about neighbors

Joel sacked roughly on fourth down Hail Mary attempt

Joel sleeps in enormous shoe after jumping over candlestick

Joel orders food through series of grunts

Joel dons penguin suit and only responds to “Chilly Willy”

Joel carries out full shift as waiter at 2x speed after confusing speed pills for vitamins

Joel kicked in head and knocked out while holding board in karate demo

Joel uses museum shop geode to heal cancer-stricken parrot

Joel believes flu shots are ploy to inject tiny microchips in population

Joel easily tricked by fool’s gold

Joel suspicious of brown Datsun

Joel winks at SCUBA instructor on ocean floor, rapidly inflates vest

Joel answers “how do I do what?” when politely asked “how do you do?”

Joel insulted by ouija board

Joel believes person named Ben Dover possessed textbook before him

Joel warned about his heightened flammability

Joel measures once, cuts many times

Joel puts out personal ad seeking full figured woman specifically named Brenda

Joel goes tanning in crude, homemade outfit that only exposes his privates

Joel lies to client about SEO results

Joel tells child the legend of the stink comet that will light up the night sky with its green gassy tail and make the world smell like rotten eggs

Joel trusted Sleepy’s for the rest of his life; now he isn’t sure

Joel orders a “fuctavious” at bar

Joel swallows tack

Joel caught trying to sabotage riverboat casino

Joel coerced into giving wrong answers during Manitowoc County murder investigation

Joel mistaken for gila monster in neighbor’s pool

Joel walks out from behind paper screen wearing kimono and taking short steps

Joel bites into mother’s shoulder on playground

Joel tells friendly tourist family on Tucscon hiking trail that there’s really no need to worry about snakes

Joel thinks Taco Tuesday is some kind of prostitute holiday

Joel has fool for client while filing his own taxes

Joel robbed by child on Peter Pan bus

Joel attempts to kidnap Meryl Streep during rafting trip

Joel sues over his likeness to perverted turtle character in satirical children’s book

Joel hands out ape costumes and plastic rifles to staff at Charlton Heston’s nursing home

Joel admits to not wanting to find the source of his anger

Joel dances sexually in tree

Joel uses local 5k charity race as opportunity to drink dangerously

Joel on constant high alert for potential mate

Joel diagnosed as sleepdriver

Joel’s screenplay “Bed & Breakfast Tanzania” lambasted for being being both unoriginal and completely historically inaccurate

Joel wakes up in cargo section of moving plane with nasty bump on the back of head

Joel cuts off software development lead, saying “I don’t need to see how the sausage is made”

Joel actively looks for opportunities to use the phrase “Indian Giver”

Joel warned about to community by local law enforcement

Joel mates with slug

Joel sickened by reflection

Joel runs out on check at his regular bar

Joel attempts to throw mother from scenic country train

Joel wonders if L.L. Bean could possibly be a coffee distributor owned by L.L. Cool J.

Joel gets walked-in on while pasting together collage for neighbor’s teen class presidency campaign while listening to “Whoomp There It Is”

Joel spits out mild Indian food having never tasted anything that exotic

Joel terrorizes Smurf community

Joel comments to coworker, “Give him enough rope and he’ll hang himself,” about employee they want to get rid of

Joel claims he can take the heat, unsure about the humidity

Joel eats apple with sticker on purpose

Joel catches Hepatitis C from a Hepatitis C awareness poster on subway train

Joel imitates humping sounds heard from mother’s room

Joel loses wits on Mosquito Coast

Joel thinks banana nut bread is just bread for people who are nuts about bananas

Joel slapped after asking woman with musky body odor if he can “get down with the clown”

Joel blows cloud of wizard smoke out of car while dropping off kid at school

Joel comes to identify with his captors

Joel mystified by futuristic scooter

Joel forced to switch seats with other airline passenger after declining emergency exit responsibilities

Joel feeds chocolate covered espresso beans to hyperactive toddler

Joel hazed relentlessly attempting to join Shriners

Joel considers move to sewer

Joel drops, shatters coffee mug upon realizing that everything Ryan Lopes had ever told him was a lie