Archive for December, 2017

Joel comes up with bogus pseudoscientific explanation for requiring actors to be nude during time travel scenes

Joel offers favorable review of restaurant in return for unlimited calamari as a sort of “squid pro quo”

Joel uses full $100 balance of Home Depot gift card on snacks from checkout line

Joel tells senior citizen, “If you’re cold just keep your oven running”

Joel advises Alpo marketing exec, “You need to be advertising to dogs, not people”

Joel takes his coffee white

Joel licks grease from his fingers before and after handshake

Joel’s “JOEL” neck tattoo gets infected

Joel wiggles his fingers and whispers “ground-a shake-a” to describe earthquake to another native English speaker

Joel fined heavily for masterminding unlicensed Haitian cab operation

Joel lends car to close friend minutes before reporting it stolen

Joel puts raw steak in pocket before court hearing for custody of dog

Joel rushes to publish dangerously fallacious argument for indigenous peoples’ right to whale even the most endangered species

Joel seen running towards shopping mall bathroom pushing people out of his way with one hand and cupping his bottom side with the other hand

Joel severely disappointed by marmalade on toast at diner, wishes he could go back in time and use the Concord grape jelly

Joel’s presence in any given city increases local crime rate

Joel considers changing last name to Noel for the holidays

Joel coyly asks Hertz rental agent if he can speak with Dick

Joel believes religious former pro football player’s name to be Tim Tivo

Joel invites mysterious fanged visitor into house at night

Joel angers Father Christmas with greedy and unrealistic requests

Joel allows diseased pet rodent to escape his pocket, ruins neighbor’s party

Joel gives timid secretary box of shotgun shells as Secret Santa gift

Joel puts car keys on table to raise bet in poker game, walks home

Joel confounds delivery driver by turning off lights and ignoring phone calls

Joel awakens to find fumigation tent draped over house

Joel attends tech expo under alias Maxtor Seagate

Joel covets equine

Joel makes it to final stage but is unable to defeat boss

Joel asked to leave wedding after demanding to witness consummation

Joel goes to high end mall with group of humorless Persians

Joel contests Charles’ right to be in charge

Joel waves insurance policy angrily, shouting “I’m worth more dead than alive!”

Joel faints after receiving difficult news standing up

Joel claims temporary upside down vision as reason for entering bathroom door marked “W”

Joel becomes object of sympathy in true crime drama

Joel wears chef uniform and smokes cigarette in alley behind restaurant, runs away when spotted

Joel collapses on treadmill

Joel put down like mad dog

Joel tells car passenger to take a peek at gun in glove compartment

Joel causes tea cup and saucer to chatter while standing and shivering in kitchen of good samaritan’s house at night after swerving car into pond to avoid whispy phantasm

Joel bashfully admits to pooping through hammock onto heat mad computer anti-virus mogul

Joel is so far off in his analysis that he is accidentally right, despite reading wrong book

Joel uses footage of early aviation disasters in smear campaign against local political hopeful

Joel’s ill-advised “Kill Whitey” Facebook post returns to haunt him in local election

Joel orders wig in drug haze

Joel gets lethal dose of pills snatched out of his hand by seagull

Joel’s laptop quickly develops Stockholm Syndrome with ransomware

Joel chased out of grocery store for drawing large black X’s on peaches with sharpie

Joel slips on banana smoothie at European discotec

Joel dresses up like Middle Eastern sheik, runs wildly through airport screaming

Joel sent home by school nurse for having lice

Joel exposed for pretending to be deaf

Joel euthanized in tar pit upon reaching age limit of futuristic society

Joel dazzled by Danish king

Joel winds up with quill beard trying to eat porcupine

Joel gets into tussle with boardwalk walrus

Joel sports Aztec poncho and man bun at far out ideas conference

Joel eludes police by slipping into crowd at hate rally

Joel makes appointment with bank to swim in his money

Joel places fried egg on sidewalk pretending the sun did it

Joel squints, points to far away corner of outfield, strikes out

Joel collapses and weeps in walk-in closet