Archive for May, 2018

Joel hides in closet after scoring bad designer drugs at Asian nightclub

Joel scratches off waist size from outer Levi’s jeans label

Joel comes running out of house fire grasping jewelry box

Joel believes the word history is derived from “his story”

Joel chips tooth while testing to see if the crucifix he stole is real gold

Joel starts making fake sign language gestures at girl wearing hearing aid

Joel wakes up in one-piece pajamas and lights candle to investigate sound of rattling chains

Joel eats dinner from lunchbox

Joel prescribed Screamidol

Joel butters neck after hearing news of serial strangler

Joel completely forgets about Memorial Day

Joel seeks revenge against the weather

Joel protects child’s innocence by removing page in Peter Rabbit where protagonist’s father is cooked in a pie

Joel outdrank by Japanese investors

Joel visibly gaunt and exhausted due to toxic relationship with elderly mother

Joel flips off neighbor’s cat

Joel moves on down to the West side

Joel uses months as the unit to convey his age

Joel figures he likely has a degree from Assumption College

Joel torn away from phone

Joel seen rolling in the street wrestling with firehose on full blast

Joel puts 45 of disco hit Hot Stuff on turntable at 33 rpm while cleaning his guns

Joel becomes half-rate superhero after being bit by weasel

Joel forced to make Sophie’s choice between glazed donut and chocolate eclair

Joel becomes insanely jealous at doctor’s mention of other patients

Joel wakes up hours later still in conference room wearing gag glasses with painted cartoon eyes

Joel splashes water on kitchen grease fire

Joel follows translucent white horse into fire

Joel vomits while howling outside of friend’s housewarming party

Joel repeats “Come alone – no police” several times on payphone

Joel, with empty expression, stares through co-worker while others sing Happy Birthday in office break room

Joel seen chasing neighbor’s dog with spray paint

Joel relocates peanut butter to opposite side of store from jelly on first day as supermarket manager

Joel found busting up basement floor with sledgehammer searching for money at dead uncle’s house

Joel uses childish sailboat and crab stencils to paint custom tote bags for friends at halfway house

Joel stabs crossword puzzle repeatedly with knife after failing to get more than a couple words

Joel arrives racist and drunk to quaint suburban wedding

Joel affixes Punisher sticker to back window of truck to suggest that he’s capable of murder

Joel plays role of flippant police officer who irrationally will not take desperate caller seriously

Joel slips on several hundred marbles

Joel reaches over counter at pharmacist

Joel hires artist to kill his wife

Joel refuses to accept that “Stuck in the Middle with You” isn’t a Bob Dylan recording

Joel cuts corners building straw house easily blown down by cartoon wolf

Joel pushed around by someone even worse

Joel selected for interplanetary breeding program

Joel mutters “Joel power down” before shutting off for the night

Joel tries to secure $15k budget for office Halloween decorations

Joel names Shaggy as favorite reggae artist

Joel grabbed by rat tail during parking lot brawl

Joel deterred from sitting on ledge by pigeon spikes

Joel runs through the shadows

Joel tells large feminist group, “Believe me I know your pain”

Joel asks sports store manager if they have any cheaper children’s football helmets than the cheapest ones he found

Joel tells wife he went into attic to investigate sound of laughter but she knows he has drugs stashed up there

Joel suffers perceived injustice during morning commute

Joel given a tonic that kills most of his insides

Joel stumbles across trove of ghoulish nicknacks in elderly Croatian woman’s basement

Joel keeps observation of potentially catastrophic situation at condo complex to himself

Joel pulled half dead from Arizona trash heap

Joel shaves uneven chunks from hair before meeting to secure small business loan

Joel grows killer’s mustache

Joel kept way down in the hole

Joel walks across metal beam during high rise construction with balance of stiff Native American

Joel roughed up and backed into pond by rabid swan

Joel suspects food pyramid rigged by meat and dairy industries

Joel found wrapped in American flag with needles still in arms

Joel seen dragging large, heavy carpet down back stairs

Joel sprays meat-hose at Vegan protest

Joel reported for jogging through nice neighborhood

Joel takes left on red

Joel shuts off air in lower class mutant quadrant

Joel lays awake hearing growling and meat-slapping through hotel room wall

Joel charged as John in prostitution sting

Joel ingests Dhalia

Joel relieved that it was just cans

Joel spins “Dirty/Clean” dishwasher magnet the wrong way to upset colleagues

Joel adopts fledgling child actor to get at his potential future earnings

Joel goes pill-mad during height of hottest summer on record

Joel dances furiously in abandoned warehouse because no one understands him

Joel lives by the Islamic Numerological adage “No pork on the fork”

Joel late for work after sleeping through blaring alarm clock playing “Start Me Up”

Joel ignores sports almanac brought back from future

Joel claims to be the first Hetero Sapien

Joel throws major fit at toy store

Joel targeted in crosswalk by self-driving car

Joel injured making homemade pipe bomb

Joel claws face

Joel rolls up sleeves, takes nap

Joel lured by dollar on string

Joel wakes up from deep sleep with new instructions

Joel wears t-shirt with blazer in hopes of attracting like-minded psychopaths

Joel buys time

Joel makes off with donation basket from Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting

Joel carefully studies and memorizes Zodiac animals and birth years from Chinese menu

Joel faints in terror at Gatorland Zoo

Joel horrified by implied cannibalism of cartoon pig chef as BBQ joint logo

Joel begins rampage at Del Taco

Joel burps up frog mid conversation

Joel’s memory foam mattress proves to be uncomfortably forgetful

Joel seen leaving costume shop with police uniform

Joel updates his personal Privacy Policy

Joel caught sabotaging guest’s car

Joel walks around with major boner at his parents’ house like he doesn’t understand his body yet

Joel flips house literally

Joel swims through pool with exact mannerisms of lizard

Joel washes man out of his hair

Joel provides made-up name of resident he’s visiting when caught prowling around nursing home

Joel takes low road

Joel lures Peter Dinklage into large oven

Joel continuously burns horse shit to keep neighbors away

Joel draws false, wildly inaccurate conclusions while observing sedimentary rock during hike

Joel tries to package and sell what is sacred

Joel gets shark tooth necklace ripped off by bully

Joel reveals his plan to event rental salesman of collapsing tent to trap party guests

Joel slurs and acts indignantly during key to the city ceremony

Joel shapes rock into crude hand-axe to escape jungle cage

Joel puts emphasis on the “g” at then end of orangutan

Joel orders Chinese delivery in offensive Asian accent, reasoning that it makes him more easily understood