Archive for August, 2019

Joel stuffed into trunk

Joel disproves the saying that you only regret the things you don’t do

Joel borrows meat

Joel would have gotten away with it if he didn’t go back to admire his work

Joel given special privileges for his ability to cure the Tsar’s son’s hemophilia

Joel replaced by robot

Joel overheard calling several local costume shops in search of “bulletproof gorilla suit”

Joel violates the unspoken agreement by not showing his

Joel googles tips for getting behind the pharmacy counter

Joel discovers the dirty truth that there is no Ken Griffey Senior

Joel uses the term “urban” to signify “black”

Joel sticks out his tongue and wiggles it

Joel breaks child’s neck while coaching wrestling

Joel’s detective agency currently limited to serving Greater Tulsa

Joel asks if there are any cheaper plans than Bronze

Joel scans showroom, chooses salesperson who was clearly at one point the victim of a throat slashing

Joel agrees to confront Minotaur at center of labyrinth

Joel forced to grapple with an even nastier version of himself at high school reunion

Joel conducts A/B test on his testicles

Joel forces timid employee to drink

Joel hit hard across the back with wrestling championship belt

Joel quits job at Duchess during first shift

Joel spends his time in prison getting stronger and angrier

Joel gets himself in the conversation of front-runners for town dump’s member of the year award

Joel still remembers his Prodigy username: TJCT001

Joel goes into his Windows Twain32 folder and starts deleting shit when his scanner doesn’t work

Joel marries chicken

Joel burns himself with lighter to earn villain’s trust

Joel changes his tune once he finds out there’s money involved

Joel fires back

Joel spends two hours watching 60 Minutes

Joel etches Code of Hammurabi text into mirror of office bathroom

Joel discovers his inner child is actually an adult midget

Joel tells Mom the babysitter’s dead despite being told not to

Joel studies how to open all of the current decade’s top selling cars’ trunks from the inside

Joel goes right back to hoarding hours after the camera crews and cleaning crew heads out

Joel experiences theistic hysteria after an unidentified tincture leaks onto his skin

Joel shows up to volunteer at women’s shelter wearing colorful leather jacket adorned with multiple state lottery logos

Joel thrown over bar into mirrored shelves by famous obese twins

Joel wheeled out in jail wagon past boy selling newspapers with headline “JOEL GUILTY”

Joel killed after missing work deadline

Joel preys upon the weakest of us

Joel accuses ER doctor of breaking Hippocratic Oath for determining he is mentally fit enough for jail in the early morning hours after destroying merchandise and harassing employee at convenience store

Joel tells 5 year old nephew “You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain”

Joel rips air conditioner unit from window to gain access

Joel gets CRT TV set broken over his head upon entering house

Joel loved by imagined God

Joel pumps down at the stables for Penthouse spread

Joel snarls and growls with frothy mouth

Joel describes himself as someone who needs to issue a lot of warnings to people

Joel operates right-leaning disinformation blog under pseudonym Little Jack Horner

Joel plunges dagger into back of man wearing toga and olive leaf crown

Joel screams bloody murder

Joel maneuvers office beauracracy with the precision of a horny mechanical bull operator

Joel tells friend “You’re busted” at start of intervention

Joel changes the trailing “and 00/100 cents” to “and 100/100 cents” to squeeze an extra buck out of personal check from mother

Joel hauled off to the pen for burning down neighbor’s she-shed

Joel whispers “Talk is cheap” before ramming tollbooth