Archive for October, 2019

Joel contracts unhinged social outcast to sabotage rival

Joel posts bogus claim in company-wide Slack channel that he got salmonella poisoning from the office catered lunch

Joel carries eyeglasses with him at all times in the event that he needs to quickly put them on and appeal to the leniency of someone he’s driven to violence

Joel crawls out of large suitcase on moving conveyor belt in front of stunned red-eye passengers

Joel leaks salacious rumors about himself to the press to get out of upcoming anti-bullying campaign commitments

Joel claims there were multiple Stephen Hawkings

Joel reasonably not guilty of third identical staircase death of a wife in his house

Joel and Boz Scaggs wrestle and crash through sliding glass door at San Francisco Pelosi fundraiser hosted by a convicted murderer

Joel makes drunken purchase of exotic bird that has 90 year lifespan

Joel stuffs his volunteer firefighter jacket and helmet into garbage can and flees with civilians while other first responders continue to make their way into burning shopping mall

Joel inspired by long line of depraved, misogynistic leading male Hollywood roles

Joel sneaks into local high school girls’ field hockey practice to tell goalie he slept with her father

Joel undergoes procedure making his Before picture look far better

Joel develops Slavic accent after being hit with crowbar

Joel devours tupperware full of spaghetti on public bus, getting speckles of tomato sauce on person sitting next to him

Joel savaged by pack of goons

Joel’s mother reminds him that if he had just married Sid Seidelman none of this would have happened

Joel doesn’t pardon pun

Joel quietly chuckles about a Ducktales episode he saw 30 years ago

Joel signs up as Uber driver with intent to kill

Joel rips out nose hair in order to tear up during funeral

Joel demands more star wipes from wedding videographer

Joel unknowingly provides DNA sample by discarding soda can in interrogation room

Joel fed answers via earpiece in soundproof booth on gameshow

Joel sponsors event where alcohol is distributed to horny realtors

Joel digs himself out to terrify the living

Joel honors code of trust between him and tiny bird that cleans his teeth

Joel marries mother-in-law at behest of satanic focus group

Joel lawyers up

Joel’s wrist grabbed from behind the dairy freezer while choosing eggs

Joel holds naked killer at gun point but let’s him get away before police arrive

Joel lives for the chance to use violence

Joel demands more out of his footwear

Joel dies and comes back to life in his sleep

Joel spoils movie by accidentally calling it Meet Joe Death

Joel spooked by holy ghost

Joel keeps bottle labeled “Slime” on his nightstand

Joel smashes tv store window during height of 2019 vape scare

Joel does something that really sets off the baboons at space station

Joel beaten by group of whites